Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.
It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!

For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.

If my heart had a home…

Now that I am graduating from Takarazuka, to become an actress…

‘I’ll be living in Tokyo now, won’t I?’

It was the middle of the night, and I was in my own room, but it was suddenly so deeply moving that I ended up sighing.

I had lived in Takarazuka since my second year of high school.

First in the ‘Violet Dormitory’, and then later living by myself.

Takarazuka had completely become my hometown.

As for Tokyo, well, since I would stay there for about a month at a time during Tokyo performances, it wasn’t as if it was totally unknown to me, but usually I would just go back and forth from where I was staying to the theatre, so I had never been able to relax there during my time off.

But Tokyo was a city I liked.

My favorite city is Sendai.

Although currently I’ve totally become a Takarazuka resident,

I feel like if I get a chance to live there properly, I’ll come to really like Tokyo.

If I’m describing Sendai, before anything else I would have to say that it’s a city with a laid-back, generous personality.

And also, although I think this is probably an attribute of the whole Touhoku region, everything’s straightforward, without any two-faced meaning.

To tell the truth, when I first moved to Takarazuka, I found Kansai conversations bewildering.

In Touhoku, even in speech, everything is relaxed, and laid-back, with a warm mood to it…

But the speed of Kansai dialect…

That was especially so in Osaka, I think. At the start, I would recoil at the force at which shopkeepers would talk.

Recently, I feel like since there are so many celebrities from Kansai performing on national television channels that people all over Japan have become accustomed to hearing Osaka dialect and Kobe dialect and Kyoto dialect. When I was little, in Sendai there was wa~y, wa~y less opportunity to hear Kansai dialect.

Therefore, even words like “Kashiwa!” [T/N: Kansai dialect term for ‘poultry’]

“Hm? In Kansai do they say ‘kashira’ (which means ‘head’) as ‘kashiwa’…”

I thought re~ally dumb things like that sometimes.

“Chaunen” [‘that’s wrong’], “Hottoitenka” [‘buzz off’], “Donkusainaa” [‘what a klutz’], et cetera, et cetera.

While now I can understand the meanings easily and sometimes end up using Kansai dialect terms myself, back then I had quite the struggle.

Although Takarazuka is obviously located in Kansai, it couldn’t be described as a big city, and it’s origin was as a ‘hotspring town’.

The atmosphere is relaxed.

That aspect I feel really saved me back then, as a girl who had journeyed there from Sendai.

All around the town, the scenery and atmosphere was…free and open, I guess you could say.

When I was taking the Takarazuka Music School Entrance Exam,

I said to my big sister who had accompanied me:

“I feel like I lived here once a long time ago~”

But she just laughed at me and said

“What on earth are you saying, silly~”

I felt like, if I had believed in past lives, then the ‘me’ before I became ‘the present me’ had lived there…

That was the feeling I had when I encountered Takarazuka.

And at the time of the next cherry blossom season, I will leave this Takarazuka behind.

For Tokyo, Tokyo, TOKYO…

‘I have to find someplace to live…’

Although I have those kinds of real-life problems at the moment,

‘At least this time I won’t have any language issues!’

I feel comfortable on that account.

Although Takarazuka is a stage company made out of professional performers, it’s also a perpetual school, so it has that protective atmosphere of warmth about it.

Until graduation (…which actually means retirement), you’re always a student.

And even if you graduate, you then become a ‘former student’.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I think that in the world of Takarazuka, that most pure period of your ‘youth’ that everyone looks back on so nostalgically is treasured and protected.

And now I’m finally journeying away from here…

Well, when it comes to the stage I have my own views.

But thinking of my emotional age, or my age in terms of societal experience, or any aspect besides the stage, I feel like my mind is still that of a second-year high school student… It’s scary.

Scary to retire now, and then move to Tokyo.

I’ve also been thinking:

‘Somehow…this feels like my first time ‘having a job’…’

I have a feeling that I will keep having new ‘discoveries’ and ‘feelings’, too.

But still, to be honest, I don’t dislike all this internal commotion.

This new city I’m going to live in, Tokyo…

This new challenge I’m going to face, a career as an actress…

If I think about it, among all the fans who were good enough to like the Takarazuka otokoyaku, ‘Mori Keaki’…

Perhaps there are some who will think,

“Now that she’s become an actress, there’s something lacking about Mori Keaki!!”

If so…

I’m sorry, but please keep the memory of the Takarazuka otokoyaku ‘Mori Keaki’ in your hearts, give up on the actress ‘Mori Keaki’, and continue to support Takarazuka.

I, myself, am satisfied.

Also,

I lived my way here naturally…

The human, ‘Mori Keaki’ did her best to get here… And everyone who supported all of me, even when I was not totally being an otokoyaku…

If I can continue having you as my fans, of course I will be so happy!!

Now that I’m living in a new city, and have a new ‘career’, even if everything ahead of me is just a blank sheet of white paper…

‘Well, that can’t be avoided.’

Is what I think.

But…

But,

But!!

If I can keep drawing your support, I’ll be so happy I could jump for joy!!
I’ll be going!

The me of my real name.

The me of ‘Mori Keaki’.

The me from when I was performing onstage as ‘Mori Keaki’.

Even though both of them are definitely ‘me’.

‘…So?’

If I tried to think of circumstances I was so immersed in that I even forgot myself;

It was when I was a stage performer.

‘I think it was…’

When I was the actor ‘Mori Keaki’.

I have been thinking a lot.

I mean what I wrote earlier, about how I want to live with ‘good selfishness’.

It’s not as if I have discarded the dream of becoming a bride.

‘But…’

I want to keep on working as an actor!!

My beloved Takarazuka.

I learned so much through being able to perform as Top Star here.

It’s there in the dialogue for my last role, Ooishi Kuranosuke.

“I don’t have anything to regret now!”

In Takarazuka, I was full of that emotion

As I determined to take the first step in my next journey.

It might be silly, but I do believe in destiny…

I wonder if that current will sweep me along to some new trials.

Even so, I’ll take them all on! I’m definitely not going to give up.

I’ll keep putting in effort, effort, and more effort.

But, this new challenge, of an actress’ career.

Who knows if I’ll be as ‘lucky’ as I was in Takarazuka…

To say I was 100% unafraid would be a lie.

But, this is the tomorrow I have chosen for myself.

‘The only option is to just do it!’

If there really is a god of Destiny, or something like that.

I think they must be a playful, whimsical prankster.

For example, let’s say that the amount of Destiny being used on different people is generally at the 70% level.

God doesn’t ever mean to cause anyone unhappiness, I think.

And so, after that 70% baseline, if there are people who say ‘Is there anything more!?’ and keep running on ahead, forward-looking, I feel like they give them a present of Plus Alpha Destiny…

And then, if there are people who reach the 80%, 90%, 100% level, and keep earnestly saying ‘Hey, hey, what’s next!?’ they’ll respond ‘Now then, you’ve come this far… Well then. To be honest, this is a special favor, but…’ and give out 110% or 120% Destiny…

That’s kind of how I feel.

I feel like God must have been watching my failures and saying,

“Ordinarily, people would give up if they fell so badly.”

“Oh, look at that! You got up. Even if it makes you want to cry, don’t give up!”

“Well. Off you run again. Nothing discourages you, does it. Well, I’ll at least make sure there are no huge boulders in your way that would kill you if you ran into them. But it’s still going to be a rocky path. She’s definitely going to fall again…”

Although I have used God as an example here…

I think in reality, it was everyone who stayed by my side,

Who helped me train myself this way.

“Oh, look, she fell!! …Ah, she got up again.”

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to everyone who watched over me and helped me, even though I could only keep looking forward and moving ahead.

Even though I’m sure I’ll fall many times from now on.

I’m not afraid of falling.

There are so many things I’ve discovered when I’ve fallen.

If I were to just keep running safely, there are so many things I wouldn’t know, about people’s hearts, different scenery, sounds, temperatures, words, expressions, so many things that happened and their responses…

Those are an actor’s nourishment.

It might be a bit grandiose that Mori Keaki, even if she falls, doesn’t ‘just’ simply get up again.

But if I were to fear falling, and hold back my energy to try to avoid falling again…

‘That doesn’t suit me at all…’

Is what I keep thinking.

From now on.

I’m still.

Going to be just like this.

I’m going to keep on being optimistic, looking up, and running ahead!!

Everyone,

I’ll be going!