Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.
It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!
For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.
I’ll Soar!
Well, moving on…
Mori Keaki made it safely through her debut performance as Top Star, with the ‘unseen power’ of being supported by so many people around me.
That hospitalization incident really made me think…
Starting with my stage debut and my time as a junior student, through my time as second supporting star.
“I’ve really been so blessed…”
I felt like when I was younger (…when I was a junior student, I mean!! …that I need to explain that proves I’m getting old, maybe!? Hm… I dunno…), I was sort of running along a railway.
Mori Keaki Rail.
And then along that there was running the locomotive called ‘Mori Keaki’.
Of course, I did enjoy the scenery.
But there definitely wasn’t just beautiful landscapes and lovely weather all the time. Sometimes there was nothing but mountains, or nothing but rice fields. Clear skies and rain, day and night.
There were times when I thought ‘Amazing~!’ and was really moved.
But also days when I would complain to myself ‘What…this is no fun at all…’
There definitely was that time.
When I was just being ‘driven’ along, observing the scenery.
I can’t say that I was progressing 100% under my own power.
But I didn’t notice that.
I was impudent and prideful, and started building up barriers.
At that time, I felt like I had entered a tunnel.
“Huh? What’s going on!? I can’t see the scenery any more…”
During the time I was struggling with that.
The railroad track gradually began an upward curve.
But even so.
I never realized.
Forget the tunnel!!
I had climbed up inside the chimney.
When it’s running along the ground.
It’s not as if a locomotive has the energy to look upwards.
But.
I hadn’t had the time to actually calmly observe the being known as ‘me’ before.
The locomotive ‘Mori Keaki’ had just been desperately driving towards ‘the future’, desperately trying not to break down or turn back.
I wasn’t aware of if my power source was ‘others, plus myself’, or ‘myself, plus others’.
I didn’t realize that I had to stop moving along the ground and start travelling upward.
But, once I had gone far, far ahead…
One day.
Plunk.
It felt like something had dropped on my head…
Not heavily, but.
Plunk!!
“Huh?”
I looked up.
I tried to brush it off, and then…
I suddenly broke through.
Then…
What I saw was…
“It’s the sky~!!”
So wide, so blue, so beautiful.
The sky.
In every direction, all I could see was the open blue sky!!
That was the first time I realized.
“Until yesterday, I was up inside the chimney…”
There are no railway tracks or anything like that in the sky. The time of that realization must have been around the time I was done with my Takarazuka Grand Theatre debut show as Top Star, and returned back from the following regional performance… Yeah.
“So, now what…”
I gazed around at the huge sky.
“I see now. I’m freer than ever. But probably, things are going to be harder than ever.” I thought to myself. But, hope won out, 99 to 1…
Definitely,
All those previous Top Stars in the long history of the Takarazuka Revue…
Had also had to climb their way out of that chimney.
And they had looked out at that ‘sky’ full of ‘freedom’ waiting for Takarazuka Top Stars.
I thought, “They all must have had their own outlook,” too.
There were no more rails now.
“It’s nice to be free,” I felt like the sky was saying and smiling down at me.
I felt like I had been completely released.
And at the same time.
I was happy, but a strange sensation kept running up and down my spine.
Ah~ There is so much space~
Ah~ The view is so beautiful~
Ah~ I feel so light~
“Ah… Now, I’m…”
I realized I was no longer the conductor of the locomotive ‘Mori Keaki’…
The rails were gone.
The traincar protecting me from the rain and wind was gone, too.
But, instead, I had the freedom to go wherever I wanted. So of course there was the chance of rain and wind.
It was a wonderfully happy feeling.
I had a huge smile.
This was surely the start of the time when Mori Keaki could really exist as her natural self… That’s what I think now…
Moreover, since it was the sky, the footing was never certain, but I was lucky enough that I was able to get to this day without ever falling…
But, once March of the 5th year of the Heisei era1 has passed…
When I leave the ‘sky’ of my beloved Takarazuka Revue, that has been so kind and supportive to me, once again I’ll go and fly out somewhere even further… maybe…
Of course, there will still be ‘sky’ ahead of me,
But maybe it’s like transferring from a domestic flight to an international flight.
I don’t really know…
But once I make my decision, I’ll soar away!! (I really like this attitude… Ahaha)
Yeah.
I’ll do my best~!!
1 – 1993 in Western reckoning.