Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.

It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!

For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.

Building up barriers

When I try to recollect, there are so many deep and intense emotions.

In junior performances and Bow performances, even as a junior student, I kept being given all sorts of roles to perform…

Which of course was something to be happy about, but,

The truth is, I, Mori Keaki…

In terms of personality, I was both extremely timid and very bold.

When performing on stage, if I had to say, I was more daring.

And as a junior student I was very saucy.

I was still firmly holding onto that ideal of ‘I’m gonna be a real man!!’, so I would pester the directors with all kinds of questions, and once I felt ‘yes! This is good!’ I wouldn’t be swayed from that…

So, when it came to stage performance, I was quite bold, I suppose.

But on the other hand.

“If I mess this up, they’ll never let me have a role again!!”

I was always scared and expecting something terrible to happen.

While I was pursuing my ideals, I was so scared inside…

But!!

I suppose I can say now (!?), or write, rather, that even though it was the “Pure, Proper, and Beautiful” Takarazuka, it was still the world of the Arts, and to state that us students never ever thought of each other as rivals would certainly be a lie.

We were only human, and all of us were stage performers. And on top of that, we all entered Takarazuka because we loved it.

It was only natural that we all wanted to stand out somehow. So of course to see someone else standing out more than you would end up causing jealousy.

And due to the position I was in, a lot of things happened.

But even if I explained all my grievances here, it’s all in the past now, so I would rather leave those old wounds alone.

So.

Even in times like those, on the surface I looked like the ‘daring’ Mori Keaki.

But actually I just wanted to avoid getting hurt.

I have to protect myself!! I thought.

So, I put a brave front up whatever happened……

While I might have looked totally composed, as if to say ‘Who cares what happens!’, I was actually hard at work building up barriers around myself.

Those barriers were strongest around the time I was Ken-4, -5, -6!!

It wasn’t as if there was anyone I could go to. That was the only thing I could do. I was so nervous, after all.

But actually, I kept being given good roles one after the other.

And, I know I’m the one writing this, but they were always well received by the general audience…it wasn’t as if I was unworthy of them……

“I’m fine with this!”

I tried very hard to believe that.

But, somehow, I ended up feeling depressed.

“Am I really fine like this?”

Some confusion began to take root inside me.

As seen by the world around me, ‘Mori Keaki’ was a star student type, wasn’t she!? She was a junior student, of course, but her singing was decent, her acting was solid, and her dancing was certainly passable. That was all definitely true. But I had told myself that I that was enough, and I was the only one who I would allow inside my barriers… “Look, are you really enjoying this?”

I thought.

Both the one holding firm and the one protesting were me, so while I understood both sides of the issue it was so frustrating and upsetting…

It was a real dilemma.

But still, I didn’t want to show weakness to anyone else.

And at the same time, when it came to performing, I was totally dedicated. Earnest.

After all, I was a stubborn type who would never compromise about anything.

Therefore, during this ‘Unbreakable Barriers’ period, I think I must have caused a lot of trouble for my acting partners…

The person who makes me think the most “I really pulled her into my issues, didn’t I,” is Kitahara Youko¹. I think some of you must remember her: she passed away in a tragic airplane accident. She was a junior student 2 years below me, a beautiful actress with great promise for the future…

But at the time, in junior performances and Bow performances, it was ‘Mori Keaki and Kitahara Youko’, we were being paired together all the time.

So……

Around this time, the Mori Keaki with ‘Unbreakable Barriers’……

Despite my depression and frustration, I was always searching for something different, something new, something, something, something, something, something. I also felt like if I and my acting partner didn’t totally understand each other from the bottom of our hearts we’d never be able to perform together!! Therefore, although I didn’t want to take down my barriers, I wanted to bring my partner inside of them so that we could reach our goal!!

Well, that…

I was so young, wasn’t I.

Thinking I could just invite people inside my barriers…

Looking back, I end up blushing a bit (right now, I’m smiling bitterly at myself again!!).

But considering that time, and that situation, it was just like me, I think.

Even now, when it comes to acting, I think that while form is important, the mental aspect is the most vital.

So I always want to have in-depth discussions with my acting partners.

That hasn’t changed.

Of course, that feeling of “maybe they won’t give me a part next time!?” is gone since I was given the opportunity of becoming Top Star. But as a junior student…

I felt really powerfully that “This role is my only shot!!” and treated each one as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

With my acting partner, as well…

“Now we’re acting together, you and I. Will you go into it as if we’ve sworn to die together!?²”

That kind of attitude.

We would be together all the time until we totally understood each other……

I would get upset if she didn’t understand.

My partner would say “I don’t get you!!” and cry.

But even so, we wouldn’t get discouraged, and keep talking and talking and talking…

Finally! In the moment it felt our hearts had united we both started crying at once.

On the roof of the rehearsal building we gazed up at the stars and cried in each others’ arms, that kind of thing…

I wonder if I could call that my ‘feverish era’.

I was definitely like that, back then.

Inside the barriers I had built up, I was burning.

I had been building and building and building…

I acted as if I didn’t care if the whole world turned against me!!

Even though it was so forward of me, I chose who I would allow inside my barriers and pulled them in completely……

I thought that I was fighting by myself, but.

I feel like my acting partners who came inside my barriers and didn’t run away, or become discouraged, who responded to my demands of ‘more, more!!’…must have actually been far stronger, far kinder, far greater than me… Yes. That’s definitely true.

Especially Kitahara Youko.

Sometimes when I look up at the night sky.

I’ll call out “Thank you so much! I’m doing well. I’m working hard!!”

At that time, I was alone in feverish pursuit of something.

I didn’t mean to, but I ended up ignoring what was happening around me.

And a lot of that passion ended up going nowhere… During that time.

I was so young,

And so determined.

Since I was so young,

Even though I was giving it my all, I was uncertain what tomorrow might hold.

Even though I was uncertain, I tried to look strong.

Even though I was trying to look strong, I was scared to death.

Even though I was scared, I was able to protect myself.

Even though I didn’t want to be hurt, I wasn’t content to just run and hide!!

That is…

Hm… That’s youth, I suppose.

That’s how it was.

I’ve never regretted anything about my youth, I think.

Since I built up those barriers, I was able to understand what it was like to let them down.

And I was able to understand which kinds of people could come inside my barriers, and which wouldn’t.

So because of that.

I feel like I’m actually thankful to everyone who made me build up those barriers.

Taking everything all together.

I don’t think there was a down-side to that.

That’s what I think, anyway.

…

Kitahara Youko-chan.

You’re in the other world, the ‘heavens’. I hope you’re happy.

Mori Keaki will never forget you!!

1 – Kitahara Youko debuted in 1981 with the 67th class and was a prominent musumeyaku in Snow Troupe until she abruptly retired in 1984, due to conflict between the Takarazuka board of directors and a television company she had done a screen test for. She was one of the fatalities of the 1985 JAL Flight 123 disaster.

2 – The term she uses is one for a double suicide of two lovers.