Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.

It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!

For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.

I always want to convey these feelings

I need to apologize all of a sudden.

I wonder if I’m a selfish person…

While writing these essays, I’ve felt like my head has cleared a lot.

In general, since I’m a Takarazuka student, I’ve lived a very active lifestyle, you see.

After getting through each painful (!?) and extremely busy day,

As for looking back on my life more objectively,

I was always feeling,

“I don’t have any time for that!! I have today’s performance!! Tomorrow’s rehearsal!!”

But now that I’m writing like this.

‘I’ve never had any composure at all, even when I was little…’ I think.

I was always thinking “More, more. Keep going, keep going. What’s coming next!?”

Once I encountered something, I would focus only on that with all my might.

But then once I realized that, at the same time I would start searching for “Is there anything else new!?”

So, that…

Seemed to be totally normal and natural behaviour to me, but sometimes things would happen that would make all the people around me think “She’s a bit out of touch, isn’t she?”

For example, in Takarazuka, a famous (!!) anecdote that keeps going around (apparently) is the Mori Keaki Kimono Incident.

This happened after I had entered Takarazuka.

In Takarazuka, even once you enter the theatre as a student, until you reach Ken-5, there are mandatory yearly exams.

Even if you graduated from the Takarazuka Music School and entered the company in first place in your class, if you slack off, depending on the results of the exams, your first-place status will quickly vanish.

Although luckily (!?) I had graduated in 7th place in my class, to be honest, since I had always been a lower-level student in voice and ballet, the exams after entering Takarazuka made me awfully nervous.

But.

‘If it’s bad, it’s bad. But still…’

I just had to put in all the effort I could, I thought.

And, just as in all the previous examples: I was totally straightforward!! And earnest!! And completely focused on the wrong thing!!

For my song in the voice exam, I had chosen the theme song from the Shinsengumi musical Man of Starlight, in which Migiwa Natsuko had performed the lead role.

‘I’m going to be singing a song from Ogita Souji’s story…’

I decided I should get totally into the feeling of it!!

‘I know. I’ll go wearing a kimono.’

So, I went to the exam wearing a kimono.

And when I got there…

“We’ve never had anyone dress in-character for the role of their examination song!”

I made a great hit with the teachers…

“Next year, will you come wearing a black tailcoat?”

They asked me…

Senior students were gathering outside the windows of the examination classroom.

“What’s going on here!? What a funny little ken-1!”

“Who is she, who is she!?”

“Ah~, she’s in kimono~!”

There ended up being quite the fuss.

I just went on as if nothing was happening.

But, it felt like I was a bit out of place…you see.

I think I had a lot of experiences like that.

‘If I’m doing that, I might as well do this too!!’

I’ve always been the type to think and do that.

Also, once I would think to myself “Yeah!!” I’d push on dead ahead without hesitating!!

Even though sometimes I would be laughed at, or make really obvious mistakes.

Or though I was told so many times “You don’t have to go so far!”

‘Am I selfish…?’

That…may be so.

But, now I think I can say, that being selfish isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t mean the kind of ‘selfishness’ that leads someone to steal something from another person.

But thinking of yourself, and being absorbed in yourself, the ‘selfishness’ that comes from that, in the end, I think is like ‘good selfishness’.

Usually, at those times, one is so caught up in working hard that they don’t realize at all that they’re being more ‘self-absorbed’ than normal.

The only people who say ‘they’re so self-absorbed!’ are the people around you.

It takes getting through a few different stages before you can understand,

‘Oh, there were people who saw it that way…’

Personally,

If I were to run into the ken-2 or ken-3 ‘Mori Keaki’ now,

I might think,

‘What a selfish girl, she always has to do everything herself, and doesn’t have any composure at all.’

But that’s probably because I can understand her way of doing things.

‘If that’s what you feel is right, go ahead and do it. Even though you might mess up.’

I’d whisper in my heart, with a gentle smile.

‘If you will take responsibility for your words and actions, then that’s alright.’

I…guess.

That’s how I’m looking at the junior actresses from the standing of a senior actress…or a Top Star.

When I’m in that position and situation.

Sometimes if a girl is half-heartedly seeming to save up her energy,

I’ll honestly end up thinking,

‘That’s so frustrating!!’

I feel like this is the same for all kinds of work, but if you have to explain to the audience afterwards, “I was meaning to do this and that kind of thing, but…” it’s basically the same as saying that that during the most important time, you weren’t able to convey your feelings properly, I think.

That’s not restricted to the stage, or to Takarazuka…

That’s what I think, anyway.

What do you think, everyone?

As for me…

Yeah. I think I want to keep up this ‘good selfishness’ as I go on, for the rest of my life…

Oh, but,

I’ll do my best to try not to be a bother to other people…of course!!

Ah-ha-ha!!