This book is a memoir of Aran Kei’s time as a member of Takarazuka, as well as her post-Takarazuka career and memories of her childhood. It was published in 2010 to commemorate the 20th year of her stage career. It also features messages from Takarazuka classmates and other colleagues and theatre artists she has worked with.

Some paragraph breaks have been added for ease of reading in English. I have also collected many archival images from various sources to illustrate the book.

What I finally realized – “Letting things happen to me is what I should be doing”

I had been the second supporting star for so long that when I became Top Star it took me a while to get used to having everyone else looking after me. Up until yesterday, I was helping to support the Top Star in the position of an intermediary between higher and lower ranks; and then, all of a sudden, everyone is taking care of me. I wasn’t able to take this well, so I ended up having an attitude of “It’s fine, you can leave me alone. I can do whatever I need by myself.” 

I couldn’t even deal with having someone guessing the right timing to bring me tea or juice, so I’d say “You don’t have to do stuff like that!” and made a point of doing everything I needed by myself. Even though everyone else wanted to do more things for me, I would push them away. As this kept going on, a distance grew between me and everyone else, and I could feel my relationship with the rest of the troupe becoming strained.

The junior performers wanted to advance while showing their respect for their Top Star, but I struggled to accept their reverence. There was a significant gap between the traditional status of Top Star and the way I was handling it in reality. I realized this couldn’t go on, so I thought “Aran Kei is Top Star now…” and reassessed the position I was in. After that, I regretted trying to keep going all by myself.

I realized all that after around a year had passed since I became Top. After that, no matter how small the tasks, I split everything up in detail and even the things I could do myself I would ask others to do for me. As all that went on, it created more of a place for and connection with the junior actresses, so I could feel the distance between me and everyone else gradually decreasing. 

Becoming accustomed to leadership methods that actually involved giving directions wasn’t something that was easy for me to get used to. After all, I had always believed that showing I was working hard helped lead the junior actresses along, and when we were creating something there was no difference between junior and senior.

I think after becoming Top, my consciousness of the fans also changed gradually. When I first entered Takarazuka, I was just enjoying myself onstage rather than thinking about things from the audience’s standpoint. But Takarazuka is something done for the fans in the end, so you have to gain popularity somehow.

As I was enjoying myself onstage, people in the audience who were moved by that would become my fans. To me, that seemed like the most natural and ideal situation. Although of course it was important to provide offstage ‘fanservice’ to the people who were constantly supporting me, I absolutely didn’t want to only consider that and disregard onstage performance. On the other hand, in Takarazuka, there is the harsh reality that fan numbers are seen as a barometer for popularity. It took me a long time to find the right balance on that fine line.

When I was feeling down, or when my heart was aching, the ones who without fail reached out to me were my fans. If I think back, there are many instances like “that letter from that fan really helped  me back then”. There were people who supported me continually starting while I was still placed on the very edge of the stage. Even when my classmates were getting ahead of me, there were people who wouldn’t say “you’d better not lose to her!” but instead “no matter where you are, I’ll support you, Touko-san.” 

Since there were people who would acknowledge me no matter what, I was able to keep going even when I was about to stall. When I realized this, I felt  that no matter what happened, as long as I had those fans, I would be okay. So my thinking changed, and I started to feel that I should be returning this debt to them. 

It might be true that I couldn’t thank each and every person who spent far too long waiting for me to become Top. Therefore, I should make shows that they would enjoy. That’s how my thinking changed after I became Top.

I really want my fans to continue looking at me objectively from now on. When I was performing as an otokoyaku, I always wanted to be seen as a person playing a particular role. Of course, when people said they liked “Aran Kei the otokoyaku,” I was happy. But I was even happier when people said they liked “Aran Kei the actor”. However, at tea parties (fan meetings) and things like that, if I’d happen to mention marriage, I’d hear everyone in the seats going ‘Huh!?’ so I would jokingly come back with something like ‘What, am I not supposed to be happy!?’. Still  now that I’ve retired, I feel like even those fans are seeing me more as a woman or as an actress.