Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.
It\u2019s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!
For a table of contents with links to all the chapters,\u00a0go here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
If my heart had a home\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that I am graduating from Takarazuka, to become an actress\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I\u2019ll be living in Tokyo now, won\u2019t I?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was the middle of the night, and I was in my own room, but it was suddenly so deeply moving that I ended up sighing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had lived in Takarazuka since my second year of high school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First in the \u2018Violet Dormitory\u2019, and then later living by myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Takarazuka had completely become my hometown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As for Tokyo, well, since I would stay there for about a month at a time during Tokyo performances, it wasn\u2019t as if it was totally unknown to me, but usually I would just go back and forth from where I was staying to the theatre, so I had never been able to relax there during my time off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But Tokyo was a city I liked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My favorite city is Sendai.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although currently I\u2019ve totally become a Takarazuka resident,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like if I get a chance to live there properly, I\u2019ll come to really like Tokyo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I\u2019m describing Sendai, before anything else I would have to say that it\u2019s a city with a laid-back, generous personality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And also, although I think this is probably an attribute of the whole Touhoku region, everything\u2019s straightforward, without any two-faced meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To tell the truth, when I first moved to Takarazuka, I found Kansai conversations bewildering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Touhoku, even in speech, everything is relaxed, and laid-back, with a warm mood to it\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n But the speed of Kansai dialect\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n That was especially so in Osaka, I think. At the start, I would recoil at the force at which shopkeepers would talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Recently, I feel like since there are so many celebrities from Kansai performing on national television channels that people all over Japan have become accustomed to hearing Osaka dialect and Kobe dialect and Kyoto dialect. When I was little, in Sendai there was wa~y, wa~y less opportunity to hear Kansai dialect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, even words like \u201cKashiwa!\u201d [T\/N: Kansai dialect term for \u2018poultry\u2019]<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHm? In Kansai do they say \u2018kashira\u2019 (which means \u2018head\u2019) as \u2018kashiwa\u2019\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought re~ally dumb things like that sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cChaunen\u201d [\u2018that\u2019s wrong\u2019], \u201cHottoitenka\u201d [\u2018buzz off\u2019], \u201cDonkusainaa\u201d [\u2018what a klutz\u2019], et cetera, et cetera.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While now I can understand the meanings easily and sometimes end up using Kansai dialect terms myself, back then I had quite the struggle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although Takarazuka is obviously located in Kansai, it couldn\u2019t be described as a big city, and it\u2019s origin was as a \u2018hotspring town\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The atmosphere is relaxed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That aspect I feel really saved me back then, as a girl who had journeyed there from Sendai.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All around the town, the scenery and atmosphere was\u2026free and open, I guess you could say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I was taking the Takarazuka Music School Entrance Exam,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I said to my big sister who had accompanied me:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI feel like I lived here once a long time ago~\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But she just laughed at me and said<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat on earth are you saying, silly~\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt like, if I had believed in past lives, then the \u2018me\u2019 before I became \u2018the present me\u2019 had lived there\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n That was the feeling I had when I encountered Takarazuka.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And at the time of the next cherry blossom season, I will leave this Takarazuka behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For Tokyo, Tokyo, TOKYO\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I have to find someplace to live\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although I have those kinds of real-life problems at the moment,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018At least this time I won\u2019t have any language issues!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel comfortable on that account.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although Takarazuka is a stage company made out of professional performers, it\u2019s also a perpetual school, so it has that protective atmosphere of warmth about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Until graduation (\u2026which actually means retirement), you\u2019re always a student.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And even if you graduate, you then become a \u2018former student\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t mean this in a bad way, but I think that in the world of Takarazuka, that most pure period of your \u2018youth\u2019 that everyone looks back on so nostalgically is treasured and protected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And now I\u2019m finally journeying away from here\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, when it comes to the stage I have my own views.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But thinking of my emotional age, or my age in terms of societal experience, or any aspect besides the stage, I feel like my mind is still that of a second-year high school student\u2026 It\u2019s scary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Scary to retire now, and then move to Tokyo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve also been thinking:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Somehow\u2026this feels like my first time \u2018having a job\u2019\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have a feeling that I will keep having new \u2018discoveries\u2019 and \u2018feelings\u2019, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But still, to be honest, I don\u2019t dislike all this internal commotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This new city I\u2019m going to live in, Tokyo\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n This new challenge I\u2019m going to face, a career as an actress\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I think about it, among all the fans who were good enough to like the Takarazuka otokoyaku, \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps there are some who will think,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNow that she\u2019s become an actress, there\u2019s something lacking about Mori Keaki!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If so\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m sorry, but please keep the memory of the Takarazuka otokoyaku \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019 in your hearts, give up on the actress \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019, and continue to support Takarazuka.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I, myself, am satisfied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Also,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I lived my way here naturally\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n The human, \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019 did her best to get here\u2026 And everyone who supported all of me, even when I was not totally being an otokoyaku\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I can continue having you as my fans, of course I will be so happy!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that I\u2019m living in a new city, and have a new \u2018career\u2019, even if everything ahead of me is just a blank sheet of white paper\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Well, that can\u2019t be avoided.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is what I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n But,<\/p>\n\n\n\n But!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I can keep drawing your support, I\u2019ll be so happy I could jump for joy!! The me of my real name.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The me of \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The me from when I was performing onstage as \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though both of them are definitely \u2018me\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018\u2026So?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I tried to think of circumstances I was so immersed in that I even forgot myself;<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was when I was a stage performer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I think it was\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I was the actor \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have been thinking a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I mean what I wrote earlier, about how I want to live with \u2018good selfishness\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s not as if I have discarded the dream of becoming a bride.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018But\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n I want to keep on working as an actor!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n My beloved Takarazuka.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I learned so much through being able to perform as Top Star here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s there in the dialogue for my last role, Ooishi Kuranosuke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t have anything to regret now!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Takarazuka, I was full of that emotion<\/p>\n\n\n\n As I determined to take the first step in my next journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It might be silly, but I do believe in destiny\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wonder if that current will sweep me along to some new trials.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even so, I\u2019ll take them all on! I\u2019m definitely not going to give up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll keep putting in effort, effort, and more effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, this new challenge, of an actress\u2019 career.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Who knows if I\u2019ll be as \u2018lucky\u2019 as I was in Takarazuka\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n To say I was 100% unafraid would be a lie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, this is the tomorrow I have chosen for myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018The only option is to just do it!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n If there really is a god of Destiny, or something like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think they must be a playful, whimsical prankster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, let\u2019s say that the amount of Destiny being used on different people is generally at the 70% level.<\/p>\n\n\n\n God doesn\u2019t ever mean to cause anyone unhappiness, I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so, after that 70% baseline, if there are people who say \u2018Is there anything more!?\u2019 and keep running on ahead, forward-looking, I feel like they give them a present of Plus Alpha Destiny\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n And then, if there are people who reach the 80%, 90%, 100% level, and keep earnestly saying \u2018Hey, hey, what\u2019s next!?\u2019 they\u2019ll respond \u2018Now then, you\u2019ve come this far\u2026 Well then. To be honest, this is a special favor, but\u2026\u2019 and give out 110% or 120% Destiny\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s kind of how I feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like God must have been watching my failures and saying,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOrdinarily, people would give up if they fell so badly.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, look at that! You got up. Even if it makes you want to cry, don\u2019t give up!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell. Off you run again. Nothing discourages you, does it. Well, I\u2019ll at least make sure there are no huge boulders in your way that would kill you if you ran into them. But it\u2019s still going to be a rocky path. She\u2019s definitely going to fall again\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although I have used God as an example here\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think in reality, it was everyone who stayed by my side,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Who helped me train myself this way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, look, she fell!! \u2026Ah, she got up again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to everyone who watched over me and helped me, even though I could only keep looking forward and moving ahead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll fall many times from now on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not afraid of falling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are so many things I\u2019ve discovered when I\u2019ve fallen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I were to just keep running safely, there are so many things I wouldn\u2019t know, about people\u2019s hearts, different scenery, sounds, temperatures, words, expressions, so many things that happened and their responses\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Those are an actor\u2019s nourishment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It might be a bit grandiose that Mori Keaki, even if she falls, doesn\u2019t \u2018just\u2019 simply get up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But if I were to fear falling, and hold back my energy to try to avoid falling again\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018That doesn\u2019t suit me at all\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is what I keep thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From now on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m still.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Going to be just like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m going to keep on being optimistic, looking up, and running ahead!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Everyone,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll be going!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of … Continue reading
I\u2019ll be going!<\/p>\n\n\n\n