Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Building up barriers<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When I try to recollect, there are so many deep and intense emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In junior performances and Bow performances, even as a junior student, I kept being given all sorts of roles to perform\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Which of course was something to be happy about, but,<\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth is, I, Mori Keaki\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n In terms of personality, I was both extremely timid and very bold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When performing on stage, if I had to say, I was more daring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And as a junior student I was very saucy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was still firmly holding onto that ideal of \u2018I\u2019m gonna be a real man!!\u2019, so I would pester the directors with all kinds of questions, and once I felt \u2018yes! This is good!\u2019 I wouldn\u2019t be swayed from that\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, when it came to stage performance, I was quite bold, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But on the other hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf I mess this up, they\u2019ll never let me have a role again!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was always scared and expecting something terrible to happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While I was pursuing my ideals, I was so scared inside\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n But!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I suppose I can say now (!?), or write, rather, that even though it was the \u201cPure, Proper, and Beautiful\u201d Takarazuka, it was still the world of the Arts, and to state that us students never ever thought of each other as rivals would certainly be a lie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We were only human, and all of us were stage performers. And on top of that, we all entered Takarazuka because we loved it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was only natural that we all wanted to stand out somehow. So of course to see someone else standing out more than you would end up causing jealousy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And due to the position I was in, a lot of things happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But even if I explained all my grievances here, it\u2019s all in the past now, so I would rather leave those old wounds alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even in times like those, on the surface I looked like the \u2018daring\u2019 Mori Keaki.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But actually I just wanted to avoid getting hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have to protect myself!! I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, I put a brave front up whatever happened\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n While I might have looked totally composed, as if to say \u2018Who cares what happens!\u2019, I was actually hard at work building up barriers around myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Those barriers were strongest around the time I was Ken-4, -5, -6!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t as if there was anyone I could go to. That was the only thing I could do. I was so nervous, after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But actually, I kept being given good roles one after the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And, I know I\u2019m the one writing this, but they were always well received by the general audience\u2026it wasn\u2019t as if I was unworthy of them\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m fine with this!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I tried very hard to believe that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, somehow, I ended up feeling depressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAm I really fine like this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some confusion began to take root inside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As seen by the world around me, \u2018Mori Keaki\u2019 was a star student type, wasn\u2019t she!? She was a junior student, of course, but her singing was decent, her acting was solid, and her dancing was certainly passable. That was all definitely true. But I had told myself that I that was enough, and I was the only one who I would allow inside my barriers\u2026 \u201cLook, are you really enjoying this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Both the one holding firm and the one protesting were me, so while I understood both sides of the issue it was so frustrating and upsetting\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was a real dilemma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But still, I didn\u2019t want to show weakness to anyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And at the same time, when it came to performing, I was totally dedicated. Earnest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After all, I was a stubborn type who would never compromise about anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, during this \u2018Unbreakable Barriers\u2019 period, I think I must have caused a lot of trouble for my acting partners\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n The person who makes me think the most \u201cI really pulled her into my issues, didn\u2019t I,\u201d is Kitahara Youko1<\/sup>. I think some of you must remember her: she passed away in a tragic airplane accident. She was a junior student 2 years below me, a beautiful actress with great promise for the future\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n But at the time, in junior performances and Bow performances, it was \u2018Mori Keaki and Kitahara Youko\u2019, we were being paired together all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Around this time, the Mori Keaki with \u2018Unbreakable Barriers\u2019\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Despite my depression and frustration, I was always searching for something different, something new, something, something, something, something, something. I also felt like if I and my acting partner didn\u2019t totally understand each other from the bottom of our hearts we\u2019d never be able to perform together!! Therefore, although I didn\u2019t want to take down my barriers, I wanted to bring my partner inside of them so that we could reach our goal!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, that\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was so young, wasn\u2019t I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thinking I could just invite people inside my barriers\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Looking back, I end up blushing a bit (right now, I\u2019m smiling bitterly at myself again!!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n But considering that time, and that situation, it was just like me, I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even now, when it comes to acting, I think that while form is important, the mental aspect is the most vital.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I always want to have in-depth discussions with my acting partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That hasn\u2019t changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, that feeling of \u201cmaybe they won\u2019t give me a part next time!?\u201d is gone since I was given the opportunity of becoming Top Star. But as a junior student\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt really powerfully that \u201cThis role is my only shot!!\u201d and treated each one as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With my acting partner, as well\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNow we\u2019re acting together, you and I. Will you go into it as if we\u2019ve sworn to die together!?2<\/sup>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That kind of attitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We would be together all the time until we totally understood each other\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would get upset if she didn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My partner would say \u201cI don\u2019t get you!!\u201d and cry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But even so, we wouldn\u2019t get discouraged, and keep talking and talking and talking\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally! In the moment it felt our hearts had united we both started crying at once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the roof of the rehearsal building we gazed up at the stars and cried in each others\u2019 arms, that kind of thing\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wonder if I could call that my \u2018feverish era\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was definitely like that, back then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Inside the barriers I had built up, I was burning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had been building and building and building\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I acted as if I didn\u2019t care if the whole world turned against me!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though it was so forward of me, I chose who I would allow inside my barriers and pulled them in completely\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought that I was fighting by myself, but.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like my acting partners who came inside my barriers and didn\u2019t run away, or become discouraged, who responded to my demands of \u2018more, more!!\u2019\u2026must have actually been far stronger, far kinder, far greater than me\u2026 Yes. That\u2019s definitely true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Especially Kitahara Youko.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes when I look up at the night sky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll call out \u201cThank you so much! I\u2019m doing well. I\u2019m working hard!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n At that time, I was alone in feverish pursuit of something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t mean to, but I ended up ignoring what was happening around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And a lot of that passion ended up going nowhere\u2026 During that time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was so young,<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so determined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since I was so young,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I was giving it my all, I was uncertain what tomorrow might hold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I was uncertain, I tried to look strong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I was trying to look strong, I was scared to death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I was scared, I was able to protect myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I didn\u2019t want to be hurt, I wasn\u2019t content to just run and hide!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n That is\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hm\u2026 That\u2019s youth, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s how it was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve never regretted anything about my youth, I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since I built up those barriers, I was able to understand what it was like to let them down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I was able to understand which kinds of people could come inside my barriers, and which wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So because of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like I\u2019m actually thankful to everyone who made me build up those barriers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking everything all together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t think there was a down-side to that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s what I think, anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kitahara Youko-chan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re in the other world, the \u2018heavens\u2019. I hope you\u2019re happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mori Keaki will never forget you!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1 – Kitahara Youko debuted in 1981 with the 67th class and was a prominent musumeyaku in Snow Troupe until she abruptly retired in 1984, due to conflict between the Takarazuka board of directors and a television company she had done a screen test for. She was one of the fatalities of the 1985 JAL Flight 123 disaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2 – The term she uses is one for a double suicide of two lovers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of … Continue reading