Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
The process towards 120%<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that it is after I\u2019ve declared \u201cI\u2019m graduating from Takarazuka!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m able to write these essays more calmly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But thinking back to the time I was actually becoming Top Star\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n While second supporting star, I was able to experience what it was like to be in the Top Star\u2019s position when I performed in those 10 shows as Rhett Butler.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, I should have been able to understand the heavy responsibility of being \u201cTop\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n When it came to the real thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhoa\u2026!?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was still really unprepared\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My debut performance as Top Star ran in February and March of the first year of the Heisei era1<\/sup>: the Grand Theatre production of\u00a0Monsieur du Paris<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0La Passion!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t anything out of the ordinary pattern for Takarazuka productions. It was a 2-part show, with a Western-style play and an opulent revue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However. However.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although I do consider this a really great thing about Takarazuka, on the occasion of a new Top Star\u2019s debut, the playwrights will create a show where the New Top will really stand out. It\u2019s not exaggerating to say that if you are considering the Top Star\u2019s stage presence, it is something like a 9 to 1 ratio.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt, \u201cThis is so great!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But then I had the issue of: \u201cNow\u2026 I have to get this whole 90% of the singing and dancing and acting ready!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had the combination of these feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n New Top Star Mori Keaki!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I also had the duty of making sure I presented my own appeal to everyone in the general society.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought: \u201cI\u2019m so happy! I have to make sure I do a good job!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But even so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had to arrive before everyone else, and be more responsible than everyone else, and sing, and dance, and act!! A huge burden of pressure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have to work harder than everyone else! More, more, more!!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Besides rehearsals,<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had interviews with newspaper reporters, and magazine writers, and radio hosts, and tv presenters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI have to do everything, everything, everything!! I have to do it all perfectly.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Next thing I knew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mori Keaki.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Was in a hospital bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had pushed myself too hard and collapsed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had hardly been eating or drinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had been under so much stress that I didn\u2019t even realize I had reached such a state!! I don\u2019t even remember now the situation in which I ended up passing out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It might have been about a week after the rehearsals for that performance started\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I really just woke up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the hospital.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had pneumonia.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My fever wouldn\u2019t drop below 39 degrees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The doctor was saying \u201cYou\u2019re suffering from overwork and malnutrition.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, right\u2026 I haven\u2019t really been eating or sleeping much, lately\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, I fully came to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHuh\u2026 Wait, I\u2019m in a hospital!?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had never really been a terribly sturdy person, but.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had never been hospitalized before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHuh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was a pretty odd feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The next moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWait, so if I\u2019m here, what\u2019s going on with the rehearsals for the show!?\u201d I thought\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the end, I didn\u2019t need to rest too long, so I was released very soon and only had a 2-day stay in the hospital, but.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf I\u2019m not there, they can\u2019t rehearse the show. What if I\u2019m here for weeks? That would cause so much trouble for everyone!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That thought hit me hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIn any case, I have to consider my health first.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n As long as I was well enough to work,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThings will work out somehow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That really made me rethink things and come to new conclusions; it was sort of a turning point for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought, \u201cThe \u2018goal\u2019 for each performance is the final show in Tokyo!\u201d (You can tell this is me from the extreme thinking\u2026)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Although I had been so stubborn that I wouldn\u2019t be satisfied with myself if I wasn\u2019t at least at 80% by the time of the Takarazuka Grand Theatre opening, I thought:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI can\u2019t just overwork myself foolishly\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I was putting in 150% in the rehearsals in order to make sure I was at 80% by the time of the Grand Theatre opening\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a long-distance run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though it\u2019s not the Olympics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I couldn\u2019t afford to go overboard in the training and push myself too hard, and then end up not being able to keep up the pace once it came time for the real thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thanks to this breakdown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was able to relax much more in rehearsals, rather than being such a perfectionist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For Mori Keaki,<\/p>\n\n\n\n The real battle was the performance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once the opening performance starts at the Takarazuka Grand Theatre, gradually, I would get better and better, and improve my performance, until by the time of the Tokyo performance\u2019s conclusion, I would be at 120%!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n This was my conclusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There was another small blessing in this situation, as I feel was often the case for me\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n The directors and other staff told me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cInstead of in the middle of Mori Keaki\u2019s Top Star debut performance, or the rehearsal of the biggest numbers of the finale, it is very lucky that if you had to collapse, it was at this time. That was very timely of you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was so shaky after collapsing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was sick, after all!<\/p>\n\n\n\n And for me, as it was my first time ever being hospitalized, it was a huge shock.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So to have them say I was \u201clucky\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For a moment, just a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I ended up thinking, \u201cWhat the heck is lucky about this!? Wouldn\u2019t it be best if I hadn\u2019t collapsed at all!?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But in the next moment, I thought. Actually. Everything is a learning experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI get it. They\u2019re right, aren\u2019t they\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That made me rethink things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I was somewhat aware of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was the type, once I got started on something, not to consider too thoroughly, but to get swept up and keep pushing on further and further, even past my limits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I wrote earlier that my ideal was \u201cI want to be at 120% by the Tokyo closing performance!!\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n That was actually.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Something I could only remember when I was thinking calmly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once I started focusing on the role I was given for the next show, that sort of thing would just fly out the window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unconsciously, every time, I would get caught up and end up putting all my energy into what was ahead of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though I didn\u2019t mean to overdo things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was very normal for me to not notice what I was doing and push myself much too hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And as a result, I became ill\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n And collapsed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis is what comes of overdoing things,\u201d everyone around me said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s true. If I think about it, I really was overdoing it,\u201d I came to realize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt really keenly, \u201cIt\u2019s such a good thing that this didn\u2019t happen during the performance!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, this was a very distressing situation for me, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ending up in a hospital isn\u2019t something you should normally be happy about, right!?<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, so many other people kept saying,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s so good that Mori Keaki wasn\u2019t hospitalized during the performance~\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n So\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n The idea that this was \u2018good\u2019 became very impressed on me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps it really was \u2018good\u2019 for me too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thinking about it now, it certainly was a situation where it would be easy to say \u201cI\u2019m such an unlucky person,\u201d and feel sorry for myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, that \u201cunlucky\u201d thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From a certain point of view.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Isn\u2019t really that at all!?<\/p>\n\n\n\n After all, it could have been so, so much more \u201cunlucky\u201d, right\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n I could have been absent from my own Top Star debut show\u2019s opening performance\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I can say \u201cI\u2019m so lucky that didn\u2019t happen!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And also,<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThanks to this illness, I was able to really feel the true responsibility of being Top Star.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That good timing was also a bonus\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay. I\u2019ll be more careful. I\u2019ve got to be at my best!!\u201d I thought\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Thanks to that, for 14 years, I was not absent from a single performance. I\u2019m very happy about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t mean to sound full of myself, but I feel I can believe that if I keep up a positive mindset and keep looking forward, whatever happens, then. \u201cSomewhere up in the heavens, some \u2018God\u2019 or whatever they might be, will make sure not to actually damage those peoples\u2019 \u2018future\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like if I look downcast and sad, then that \u2018God\u2019 will look down and think, \u201cWell, well. I didn\u2019t mean to hurt you there\u2026I\u2019m sorry\u2026\u201d and scratch his head and sigh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But then, if I look up and smile and tell him \u201cThank you for that!! That was a great learning experience!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI see!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even \u2018God\u2019\u2026 might be\u2026 a bit relieved\u2026 or something\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s the sort of thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I thought about in that hospital bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When Mori Keaki returned to the rehearsals for her debut show as new Top Star.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My \u2018barriers\u2019 had flown even further away than they had when I was second supporting star.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1 – 1989 in Western reckoning.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing\/formatting style is kind of … Continue reading